[on his funny looks as a child] I'd go home [from school] and cry. I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, crossed eyes, or their stuttering.
[ad-libbing with Bob Hope] When it comes to noses, you're a retailer. I'm a wholesaler!
I hate music, especially when it's played.
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
I like to make people laugh. Dey like me. What more could I want?
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
Be awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down.
Why can't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?