Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
Harvey Korman: Dr. Seward
Photos
Quotes
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[after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart]
Dr. Seward : I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!
Van Helsing : I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...
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Van Helsing : Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?
Dr. Seward : Tepes?
Van Helsing : Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!
Dracula : They had it coming.
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Van Helsing : [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens] Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...
Dr. Seward : Three?
Van Helsing : [breathes on and polishes the lens] Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.
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Jonathan Harker : Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?
Van Helsing : Yes!... and no...
Jonathan Harker : Then what are you saying?
Van Helsing : I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.
Dr. Seward : Then you're saying yes.
Van Helsing : No.
Dr. Seward : Then you're saying no.
Van Helsing : Not necessarily.
Jonathan Harker : You sound dubious.
Van Helsing : No -I'm positive!
Jonathan Harker : Of what?
Van Helsing : Of my theory!
Jonathan Harker : And that would be?
Van Helsing : The theory of Yes- or no.
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Dr. Seward : [to Martin, about Renfield] Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!
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Dr. Seward : Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing : And gynaecology.
Dr. Seward : Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.
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[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
Dr. Seward : I was just telling Ma... what was that?
Renfield : Huh?
Dr. Seward : You just grabbed something from the table.
Renfield : I did not.
Dr. Seward : Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Renfield : [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry.
Dr. Seward : Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
Renfield : Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
[the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
Dr. Seward : How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!
Renfield : Huh?
Dr. Seward : You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
Renfield : I did not.
Dr. Seward : Yes, you did.
Renfield : I did not.
Dr. Seward : Yes, you did.
[this goes on for two and a half rounds]
Dr. Seward : [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!
Renfield : A spider?
[swallows the spider in his mouth]
Renfield : How absurd!
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Van Helsing : Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.
[to Dr. Seward]
Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?
[looks at Jonathan]
Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Seward : No, I can't explain zhat.
Jonathan Harker : I can't explain zhat, either.
Van Helsing : No one can explain zhat!
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[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork]
Renfield : Oh! Dropped my fork!
[Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Seward : Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?
Renfield : Fork found!
[comes back up]
Renfield : Sorry for the delay.
[the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused]
Dr. Seward : My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
Renfield : What makes you say that?
Dr. Seward : I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Renfield : Out of my mouth?
Dr. Seward : Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!
Renfield : Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!
Dr. Seward : I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up]
Renfield : I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
Dr. Seward : Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
[Renfield spots a fly]
Renfield : [to the fly] Hello, little darling!
[grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly]
Renfield : Don't be afraid!
[laughs in a strange tone]
Renfield : I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
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Dr. Seward : Would an enema help?