Baby Mama (2008)
Tina Fey: Kate
Photos
Quotes
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Kate Holbrook : Did you just stick your gum under my coffee table?
Angie Ostrowiski : [nervous] I don't know.
Kate Holbrook : What do you mean, you don't know? You think you're at an Arby's right now?
Angie Ostrowiski : You know what? I wish I was at an Arby's 'cause there's better food and cooler people there!
Kate Holbrook : [looks under the coffee table] Did you stick *all* this gum under here?
Angie Ostrowiski : I don't know! Maybe you stuck some of it under there.
Kate Holbrook : Yeah, actually, you might be right. 'Cause sometimes, when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!
Angie Ostrowiski : Bitch, I don't know your life!
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Kate Holbrook : I'm sorry, I'm a little overly thorough. Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.
Rob : No, that's just prejudice. They call you bossy and controlling because you're a woman. But if you were a man doing the same stuff... you'd just be a dick.
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Chaffee Bicknell : Our surrogacy fee is $100,000.
Kate Holbrook : It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed!
Chaffee Bicknell : It takes longer.
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Chaffee Bicknell : That's right, I'm expecting again.
Angie Ostrowiski : [to Kate] Expecting what? A Social Security check?
Kate Holbrook : It's weird, isn't it?
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Kate Holbrook : [upon learning that she's pregnant] He said the chances were one in a million!
Dr. Manheim : Well, I'd start buying lottery tickets if I were you.
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Caroline : [holding her son's dirty hand] Is this chocolate or poop? Is this chocolate or poop?
Caroline : [licks son's hand and smiles] It's chocolate!
Kate Holbrook : What if that had been poop?
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Kate Holbrook : [Angie's water breaks] Angie, I think your water broke!
Angie Ostrowiski : [Looks at the cup of water she's holding] Wait, what?
Kate Holbrook : Your water is breaking!
Angie Ostrowiski : I got to get a bus to take me to the hospital.
Kate Holbrook : Let me drive you, I'll drive you.
Angie Ostrowiski : Okay, hold this.
[Hands Kate her water]
Angie Ostrowiski : I'm not due for 3 weeks!
Kate Holbrook : I know.
Angie Ostrowiski : Should we clean that up?
Kate Holbrook : No, somebody else will get that.
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Kate Holbrook : So... How long have you two been together?
Angie Ostrowiski : We met the summer after I discontinued high school, and we've been together ever since.
Angie Ostrowiski : He never officially asked me to be his wife but he never asked me to not be his wife either, so things are going pretty good.
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Birthing Teacher : Welcome to the birthing center. In this birthing class we are going to help you new mommies and daddies, and our mommies and mommies, lesbian lovers...
Kate Holbrook , Angie Ostrowiski : No.
Birthing Teacher : prepare for that marathon of labor. Quick question before we start, how many of you are planning on doing natural child birth?
[everyone raises hand except Angie and Kate]
Birthing Teacher : That's a good show of hands! That's so great, you're all so brave! And how many of you are planning on using toxic western medications to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort, anyone?
Angie Ostrowiski : [raises hands] OOH OOOOOH!
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Kate Holbrook : [points] That's his car.
Angie Ostrowiski : What, this right here?
Kate Holbrook : Yes. Silver Infiniti, Penn State sticker, baseball mitt in the backseat. This is Scott. You know what we should do?
[Angie heaves a trash can at the car, shattering the back windshield and setting off the alarm]
Angie Ostrowiski : Yeah!
Kate Holbrook : [horrified] I was gonna say leave a funny note!
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Rob : Do you want to come back to my...
Kate Holbrook : Yes. Absolutely!
Rob : Wow. Okay! Just to be clear, I was going to say my place...
Kate Holbrook : Uh-huh. I'm 37. I know how this works.
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Kate Holbrook : I'm sorry, I think I may have overreacted back there.
Angie Ostrowiski : You think?
Kate Holbrook : It's just this whole thing is very important to me, and frankly it makes me a little bit crazy that you get to feel it and experience it while I just watch. And I might be a little bit jealous.
Angie Ostrowiski : Jealous? How could you be jealous of me?
Kate Holbrook : I'm sorry I called you stupid.
Angie Ostrowiski : I'm sorry I farted into your purse.
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Birthing Teacher : As your pregnancy progresses, your partner can help you prep your perineum for the great stretch of delivery. Massage the area daily with a little EVOO to help you stretch and prevent tearing.
Angie Ostrowiski : What is she talking about?
Kate Holbrook : I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint.
Angie Ostrowiski : Is it cool if maybe I spray a little PAM down in that area right before the baby comes out?
Kate Holbrook : You have to admit it's a valid suggestion.
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Kate Holbrook : I hope you don't mind, I bought you some groceries. I thought you might want to start eating organic.
Angie Ostrowiski : Eh. That crap is for rich people who hate themselves.
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Oscar : Yo, who we waitin' on again?
Kate Holbrook : Her name's Angie. She's uh- well, she might be my surrogate mother.
Oscar : Oh, that's right. You got your baby mama coming. You know I got two baby mamas, right?
Kate Holbrook : No, this is different. You had relationships with those women.
Oscar : No, I ain't had no relationships with those women. I had relations with those women.
Kate Holbrook : No, I'm- I'm paying her. This was set up by an agency, there are contracts involved. It's strictly business.
Oscar : Right. You pay the bills. She have the baby. That's called a baby mama. You ask any black man in Philadelphia.
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Angie Ostrowiski : Is that what you're wearing?
Kate Holbrook : We *are* going to a nightclub.
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Kate Holbrook : I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint.
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Kate Holbrook : Your eggs are like, from the 40's.
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Fertility Specialist : Well... I just don't like your uterus.
Fertility Specialist : Don't get me wrong, your eggs are in great shape, but you have a T-shaped uterus. That combined with your advanced maternal age, it's preventing proper implantation.
Kate Holbrook : Why do I have this T-shaped uterus?
Fertility Specialist : Well, probably has something to do with medication that was given to your mother when she was pregnant with you. We used lot of drugs back in the '70s which we now know can cause infertility.
Kate Holbrook : Infertility?
Fertility Specialist : Yeah. I would say that your chances of conceiving are very low.
Kate Holbrook : How low?
Fertility Specialist : Well, I don't want to assign a number to it.
Kate Holbrook : What would you assign it? A color, a nickname, a locker?
Fertility Specialist : Okay. One in, in a million. I just don't like...
Kate Holbrook : Don't say that again.
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Kate Holbrook : [giggling] My avatar's dressed like a whore!
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Angie Ostrowiski : You went out with him?
Kate Holbrook : I did.
Angie Ostrowiski : Why?
Kate Holbrook : Oh, he's beautiful.
Angie Ostrowiski : Where?
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Kate Holbrook : [about being a surrogate] Have you done this before?
Angie Ostrowiski : No, but I know I'm good at getting pregnant.
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Kate Holbrook : [about Angie] She's crazy. It's like living with a child.
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Kate Holbrook : I want a baby now. I'm 37.
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Angie Ostrowiski : [Kate is vogueing on the dance floor] Stop framing your face!
Kate Holbrook : I think it's good!
Angie Ostrowiski : It's not.